The Secret of the Elves
by InsanityInside
Summary: Harry returns to Hogwarts. A new student has pointy ears. Neville has a secret. Luna has a frying pan. Crossover… sort of.
1. Prologue

_Yes, this is a Mary-Sue parody. Sort of. But hopefully not the usual kind. It is also a sort-of-crossover-only-not. You can read it without knowing the… other world (although it might be more fun if you do know it) so I'm not telling you just yet what it is. If you can guess, congratulations._

_II(:_

**Prologue**

There was something there. It was so white it almost seemed to glow in the dark and it was moving really fast. Hagrid followed it as quickly and silently as it was possible for a man of his size. Finally, as it ran across a clearing, the gamekeeper caught a glimpse of it before it disappeared back into the forest. It was just a unicorn. It had to be. It was unicorn-sized, unicorn-shaped and even unicorn-coloured. But there as something _wrong_ with it. It was, Hagrid was quite sure of it, not one of _his_ unicorns. And Fang was scared of it. Sure, he wasn't a very brave dog, but he shouldn't be that scared of a _unicorn_.

'Where'd it come from?' Hagrid muttered.

He bent down to look at the hoofprints in the mud, but he could hardly see them in the darkness of the Forbidden Forest at night.

'Fang?' he said to his dog. Fang just whimpered.

'Aw, c'mon. We gotta do it.'

Very reluctantly, the dog pressed its nose to the ground.

'Good boy.'

After half an hour of tracking they found it. The place it had come from. One of the reasons the Forest was Forbidden. And even though it was a warm summer night there was frost on the ground. Hagrid tightened his grip on his umbrella. Fang sniffed and ran away. The half-giant swore.

XXX

A beautiful young woman walked down Diagon Alley, looking around with curiosity and mild amusement. She was tall and almost unnaturally pale, with long dark hair, and wore a simple yet elegant red dress. Sometimes she walked into a shop and came out with her bag slightly heavier than it was before. By the time she entered Mr Ollivander's shop, she already had a pointy black hat (Madame Malkin didn't quite understand why she found the hat so fascinating), several sets of the most fashionable robes (mostly in dark colours) and a slightly nervous-looking white owl in a cage.

Ollivander stared at her, slightly confused. Sure, she was beautiful. Almost too beautiful to be real. But there seemed to be something wrong with her. She did not remind him of anyone he'd met before. That was odd. He had sold wands to several generations of wizards. He had met most new students' parents. Well, maybe she was a Muggleborn? But she seemed completely unfazed by all the magic of Diagon Alley. She was not discovering a new world. She was doing her shopping. And, of course, she was too old to be buying her first wand ever. She had to be at least seventeen, possibly older.

'I'd like to buy a wand,' she said.

'Oh. Of course, of course,' Mr Ollivander said. She was making him nervous. 'I'll find something for you.'

He looked around at the stacks of boxes and picked one that seemed right.

'Here,' he said 'Try this one.'

She did, but nothing happened.

'What is your name, by the way?' Mr Ollivander asked handing her another wand.

The girl thought about it for a moment, as though the question had surprised her.

'Marie Suzanne O'Doome,' she finally said as if it explained everything. It didn't. 'I'm a… foreign exchange student, I guess,' she added. And just then a twelve-inch unicorn hair wand in her hand fired some of the most beautiful sparks Mr Ollivander had ever seen.

XXX

It was the last day of August an Harry Potter was packing. It had been Hermione's idea, of course. Harry probably wouldn't have come up with it himself, but now he thought it was quite good. It wasn't like he had anything better to do. He still wasn't sure what he wanted to do with his life now that Voldemort was gone and the war was over. He had wanted to be an Auror once, but now he thought he'd had enough saving the world for a while. He couldn't think of anything else he could do though. He might as well give himself some more time to think about it. It seemed like it was going to be fun. Just another year at Hogwarts, without any mysteries, monsters or people trying to kill him. He could play Quidditch, go out with Ginny, hang around with his friends and not worry about anything worse than his NEWTs. He could just have a year of normal life now. All he'd ever wanted.


	2. Chapter 1

_Aw, either I'm becoming predictable (I can think of a few different crossovers, though. I might even write them at some point) or the frying pan gave it away…Anyway, bravo!_

_Disclaimer (since I seem to have forgotten about it in the Prologue): Anything you recognize is most likely not mine._

_II(:_

**Chapter one, in which an Elf is Introduced**

The girl currently known as Marie Suzanne O'Doome was alone in her compartment on the Hogwarts Express. She changed into the robes that were going to be her new school uniform now. She didn't like them nearly as much as some other ones she had bought, but they were simple and black and she suspected that was supposed to be a good thing somehow. She conjured a full-length mirror. Learning magic had not been a problem. As an elf, the most magical creature in existence, it came to her naturally. But witchcraft was more than just magic, she realised. She had to learn to be a witch. She put on her new pointy hat and admired her reflection. It looked beautiful, as always. And witchy enough for now.

There was a knock on the door.

XXX

Harry took a seat between Neville (whose grandmother had forced him to repeat his last year of school, because, hero or not, he still needs to pass his NEWTs. Some parents and grandparents just are like that. You _don't_ argue with them.) and Ginny, opposite of a fifth-year Slytherin he didn't know and a seventh-year Ravenclaw he didn't like. Some things never changed and Professor Slughorn was one of them. Harry had considered ignoring his invitation. After all he hated this little club. The very idea of it bothered him. Slughorn seemed to think that some people were better than others just because he'd known their parents. It was too close to what Harry had opposed to all his life. But he'd had to come. Everyone had said so: Ginny, Hermione, even Ron. Now that everyone had seen Harry defeat Voldemort again, he was not going to wriggle his way out of being a hero.

'Harry, m'boy!' Slughorn turned to Harry 'Wonderful to see you come back!'

'Um… yeah,' Harry agreed 'I kind of missed out on my seventh year… because of the war and…'

Suddenly the opening door saved him from having to say any more. Everyone stared. Even Professor Slughorn, who had presumably invited her here, seemed a little surprised at her dramatic entrance. Her long dark hair seemed to billow in the wind, even though the air was quite still. Her black robes showed off her wonderful figure perfectly, despite being specifically designed not to. Her face was almost inhumanly beautiful.

'Ah…' Slughorn said a little nervously 'You must be Miss O'Doome…'

'You can call me Marie, sir,' she said in a voice that could make _anything_ sound like poetry.

'I'm right here, Harry!' said a voice next to him.

Harry turned around to see a slightly annoyed Ginny.

'I'm sorry!' he said and quickly kissed her on the cheek.

'You were _drooling_,' she accused.

'I… um… didn't notice that,' Harry muttered 'Sorry.'

He looked around. Some of the other boys and at least one girl still looked hypnotised.

'I hope she's in Gryffindor,' Neville said absently. Ginny rolled her eyes.

XXX

'Maybe she's some sort of Veela?' Ron said hopefully when they told him about the mysterious new student.

'She didn't look like one,' Ginny pointed out.

'That's true,' Harry agreed 'She was just very… Don't look at me like that, Ginny. You saw her too. She _was_.'

'Well, all right,' Ginny admitted 'But the really strange thing is that she's starting Hogwarts now. In her seventh year.'

Ron shrugged.

'So am I,' he said 'So are lots of people right now. Starting over after the war.'

'I think it's very nice of Professor McGonagall to let us do that,' Hermione added.

'No,' Ginny said 'That's not it. She's never been to Hogwarts before.'

'She said she was a foreign exchange student,' Neville spoke for the first time.

'We didn't use to get many of those before,' Ginny observed.

'Okay,' Harry agreed 'This _is_ a little unusual, but…'

'Look, what do you have against her anyway?' Neville suddenly exclaimed 'It's not wrong to be pretty, you know.'

Harry put an arm around his girlfriend shoulders.

'And you don't need to be jealous either,' he said 'You know I love you. And I don't even _know_ her. I don't know what happened to all of us just then…'

'And you say there was something _not quite human_ about her?' Luna suddenly said.

'Oh, please, Luna!' Hermione said 'I'm sure she's not a vampire or anything! Vampires don't - '

'No,' Luna agreed 'She isn't.'

XXX

Marie returned to her compartment quite satisfied. So those were all the people who where worth knowing. And they liked her. Oh boy, did they like her! This was no surprise. Everyone liked Marie. She was going to enjoy this.

One thing confused her, though. One of the boys didn't seem to fit in very well. Everyone else in there was special (not as special as her, but then again nobody's perfect. Except for her, that is.). He'd just sat there, all shy and quiet, only speaking when someone asked him a question. He had even spilled his drink all over himself. He intrigued her. He was a mystery she would have to find out the answer to. What had Neville Longbottom been doing there? And once she finds out, she's going to have some _fun_.

XXX

'What?' Ron asked in shock 'Like Dobby and Winky?'

'No, Ron,' Luna said 'Like… how should I explain it to you?' She paused for a moment, thinking about it.

'Has any of you ever read any Muggle fantasy books?' she asked.

Ron, Ginny and Neville had never had enough contact with the Muggle world and Harry's uncle had always disapproved of fantasy because it was what young people with too much imagination read. Hermione, however, had been raised in a relatively normal Muggle household and always enjoyed reading.

'I have, of course,' she said 'Before I knew I was a witch. I always used to wish magic was real,' she admitted 'But what does it have to do with anything?'

'I think' Luna said 'this Marie might be - '

Hermione sighed.

'I'm sorry to break it to you, Luna, but we are not in Middle-Earth. The only kind of elves that exist are House-Elves.'

Luna lowered her voice to a whisper.

'No,' she said as though she was revealing a secret 'They are real. I saw one once. My mother used to research them,' she added.

'Why do you read that stuff anyway?' Hermione asked 'Muggle fantasy, I mean? You always _knew_ it wasn't real.'

'So did you,' Luna replied.


	3. Chapter 2

_Aaand here it is! The frying pan, Ladies and Gentelmen!_

_II(:_

**Chapter two, in which a Frying Pan is Borrowed**

The Hat fell over Marie's eyes. That Godric fellow must have had a huge head, the elf reflected. And then she heard the voice in her head.

_Let's see… _it said, _You're not exactly a Hufflepuff, are you?_

'No,' she replied 'I'm not.'

_How about Slytherin? _The Hat asked.

Marie considered it. She _would_ fit in there, wouldn't she? But it just wouldn't do right now.

'I don't think so,' she said.

_Well,_ the Hat said, _I suppose I could put you in Ravenclaw…Yes… You do have the brains…_

'Gryffindor,' Marie said firmly 'You're going to put me in Gryffindor.'

It wasn't even an order. She was stating a fact. The Hat still seemed to want to argue, though.

'I can't be in Ravenclaw,' she said 'Ever heard of a heroine like me who was in _Ravenclaw_?'

_A few, _the Hat replied_, Contrary to popular belief, intelligence is a very useful trait in a hero… But if you insist… You did have the nerve to demand it after all…_

'That's right. I did.'

XXX

Minerva McGonagall was not, under normal circumstances, a nervous person. But this was, after all her first official speech as Headmistress of Hogwarts. So many things could go wrong. And they _had_ gone wrong. This was not a usual start-of-term feast at all. First of all she had to welcome all the new and returning students. Many of them had left halfway through the last school year. She hadn't been quite sure which year to place them in. And then there was the O'Doome girl. McGonagall finally decided to just sort her along with the first-years, in alphabetical order. The girl had seemed a little disappointed by that. And, as if having to sort out all this post-war mess wasn't enough, there was what Hagrid had shown her the other day. It had looked all _wrong_. And there had been snow. Hagrid had said there were creatures too. All sorts of things that didn't belong here. Most of them were more or less harmless and didn't leave the Forest, but it was only a matter of time. Albus would have known what to do, but he wasn't there any more. She was the Headmistress now and it was her job to look after everyone.

'And finally,' she said 'I would like to remind you all that the Forbidden Forest is still forbidden.'

She looked around at the crowd of students. Maybe this wasn't the right thing to say.

'Anyone who breaks this rule will be punished.'

She considered adding 'if they survive', but decided against it. It was too dramatic. They wouldn't take it seriously.

XXX

That night Luna Lovegood lurked in the shadows. This was a bit like her first year, or so she desperately tried to think, because it helped keep her mind off the fear. Oh, she had been frightened back then, of course. She hadn't wanted to get caught and, let's face it, the Forest itself is quite creepy at night. Creepy enough to scare a little girl who just wanted to see what was in there. But this was a completely different kind of fear. That had been exciting. This just made her want to go right back to her dormitory and pull a blanket over her head. Not that this would help, of course. Blankets were nice, but they were no match for _them_. Neither were doors and walls, and passwords, and riddles. Something sharp or heavy and made of iron might be. And knowing where you stood could help too. It was the Ravenclaws' traditional weapon, and, to be honest, the only one Luna was comfortable with.

And this was why she was here. She had to be sure. Finding the spot was not easy. She had only been there once before and she had sworn (only to herself, since no one else knew she had been there, but still) never to return. But sometimes you had to break a small promise made to yourself to keep a bigger one, so big it never really had to be made, to everyone.

She found it. A small clearing, a couple of large stones forming a… not quite circle, but it was probably the thought that counted. And that was about it. Or it had been, before the frost appeared on the grass between the stones.

Before going back to bed Luna stopped at the kitchens and borrowed the heaviest frying pan she could find.

XXX

Neville lay wide awake in his four-poster bed in the Gryffindor tower. He couldn't sleep. He couldn't stop thinking about her. She had been so beautiful. He didn't really know her, but he suspected she was very nice too. And smart. And… well, she was still new, but he was sure she was going to be popular. (He got two out of three right. Some of his teachers would say it was exceptionally good by his standards.)

And he was almost sure he didn't have a chance. But maybe it was worth a try? No, he could never find the courage to talk to her. Sure, he had lead Dumbledore's army in Harry's absence. He had faced Voldemort himself when it seemed all hope was lost. He had killed that snake and people had cheered and some of them still seemed to think he was some kind of hero. But he didn't have the courage to face Marie Suzanne O'Doome and tell her how she made him feel.

Maybe if he didn't have to _face_ her…? Neville summoned his quill and some parchment, lit his wand and started to write. He got stuck on '_Dear Marie_,'.


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter three, in which Literature is Discussed**

Marie was making friends quickly. By the time she came down to breakfast the next morning she was already surrounded by younger girls who admired her. She was just telling them about the Slug Club meeting on the train (Romilda had always wanted to be invited to join the club and meet all the _cool_ people, but Professor Slughorn couldn't even remember her name) when an owl dropped a scrap of parchment on the table in front of her. Marie picked up the note and read it.

'What is it?' one of the girls asked excitedly.

Marie read it aloud. The girls giggled.

'Who's it from?' another girl asked.

There was no signature on the letter.

'A… secret admirer,' Marie said. There was more giggling.

'Maybe it's that cute Hufflepuff…' someone wondered 'what's his name again? You know, the one…'

'Or maybe it's someone from the Club?' someone else suggested.

As the girls speculated and giggled (The speculation was obviously mostly based on which boy Marie would look cute with.) the dark-haired elf looked up at the other end of the table.

'Who could it possibly be from?' she asked out loud, because that was how these things happened.

At this point she really should have _accidentally_ made eye contact with Neville across the table. She should have smiled and he should have blushed, and angels should have sung, and Marie should have still failed to get a clue. Unfortunately, Marie already knew and Neville, tired after the sleepless night, chose this moment to fall asleep with his face in a bowl of porridge. The angels remained silent.

XXX

McGonagall looked up from her paperwork to see a small creature with ridiculously large eyes and ears. It was wearing a skirt and an oversized maroon sweater, which made it look rather like a really ugly doll. It was staring at its own feet as if it had never seen them before.

'What's the matter, Winky?' McGonagall asked.

The House-Elf looked up.

'Headmistress told Winky to come here if Winky sees anything unusual,' she said a bit uncertainly.

'Yes, I think I did.'

'Well…' the House-Elf said 'Luna Lovegood came to the kitchens last night, Headmistress…'

'Five points from Ravenclaw,' McGonagal said 'It's not _that_ unusual, though.'

The kids did that sort of thing all the time, didn't they?

'But she took a frying pan, Headmistress! A big one!'

This changed everything. Lovegood often noticed things before anyone else did.

'Iron?' McGonagall asked, alarmed.

'Yes, Headmistress.'

This was _bad_.

Somebody knocked on the door and Winky disappeared with a faint _pop_.

'Enter,' the Headmistress called and the door opened.

Luna Lovegood walked into the office. Something was sticking out of her overstuffed bag. It looked like the handle of an enormous frying pan.

XXX

Luna caught up with Hermione in the library.

'I talked to McGonagall,' she said.

'What about?' Hermione asked.

'Marie.'

'You really shouldn't have bothered her,' Hermione replied 'I bet she's got a lot of work to do right now.' Then she glanced at Luna's bag and added 'Why are you carrying that with you all day anyway?'

Luna looked at the handle still sticking out of the bag, but said nothing.

'Never mind,' Hermione said at last 'I don't want to know. What did McGonagall say?'

'She told me not to jump to conclusions,' Luna admitted 'But she looked worried.'

XXX

Marie looked around the Common Room. Ah, there he was, sitting in the corner reading a book. The elf strolled casually across the room and sat down in the armchair next to his. The boy glanced at her, blushed and buried his face in the book.

'It was very sweet of you,' Marie said.

The boy dropped the book and turned to her, blushing.

'What?' he said 'How did you know it was me?' Those were the first words he said to Marie.

'Oh, right, you forgot to sign it,' she replied, giggling 'I just… guessed…'

'So… um…' Neville tried to say something, but then she touched his arm and he suddenly forgot how to speak.

'Yes,' Marie said softly 'I think that's a very good idea. How about Saturday?'

XXX

'But seriously, why do you read it?' Hermione tried her best to avoid further discussions of elves, frying pans and why anyone should worry about them anyway 'You always knew what magic is really like.'

'Yes,' Luna agreed 'But it's interesting to see what people _think_ it's like, isn't it?'

'Well… I suppose,' Hermione said 'It is kind of funny. Where do they get those ideas, eh?'

This turned out to be the wrong thing to say. A mysterious, knowing smile appeared on the younger girl's face.

'Exactly,' Luna said quietly.

'What?' Hermione asked, confused. What had she done wrong?

'Why are witches evil in their fairytales?' Luna whispered with a dreamy expression on her face 'Why are elves always perfect?'

There had to be a logical answer to these questions, Hermione was sure, one that didn't involve Marie's pointy ears or a reason for Luna to go around with a frying pan in her bag, but she couldn't think of one.

'You mean there really _are_ elves like that?' she said in disbelief.

'No,' Luna said 'There aren't. That's why I carry this,' She indicated the handle sticking out of her bag 'I'm not sure what she's up to yet, but - '

'Hello,' someone interrupted her. The girls turned around to see Neville.

'Hi,' they both said.

'I hoped to find you here, Hermione,' Neville said 'Would you mind taking a look at my homework? I'm not sure if I got it right…'

The older girl accepted the paper gratefully. It was an excuse to change the subject.

As she read through Neville's essay, correcting his mistakes, she suddenly realised that the boy was _humming_.

'What's the matter?' she asked, looking up.

'Oh.' For a moment Neville looked slightly embarrassed. 'Nothing,' he said 'I'm just happy.'

'That's nice,' Luna said 'Why?'

'She agreed to go out with me,' he said dreamily.

'Who?'

'Marie…' Neville said with a sigh.

Luna muttered something that sounded like a curse (of the not-particularly-magical variety) and reached for the frying pan.


	5. Chapter 4

_I decided to change the title, since Harry isn't as important to the story as I thought he would be (I know what I'm doing, I just wasn't sure what to call it)._

_And I also decided this is a good moment to reveal where the elves came from. Yep. It's my favourite crossover again. This kind of elves appear in some of the Discworld books. In case you haven't read them: Yeah, they're the badguys. They come from a 'parasite universe', make people believe they are beautiful and perfect and then have... **fun** with them. Often a sadistic kind of fun, but they also like stories._

_Oh. And also, Sues are __**wonderful**__, aren't they? ;)_

_II(:_

**Chapter four, in which Secrets are Meant to Remain Secret**

Luna's mother had never called them that, but Luna knew what they were. They were perfect, because people thought they were. People thought they were perfect, because that was what they wanted them to think. Luna only saw one once. A beautiful, pale, dark-haired woman (who, now that Luna thought about it, resembled Marie quite a bit) in the middle of a circle a lot like the one in the Forbidden Forest. Mum told her to leave, and Luna did, but then she heard the screams. The little girl ran quickly back to the circle. Later on she would sometimes think that maybe she should have ran to get Dad instead, but there was no time, was there? She had run as fast as she could, and still arrived too late. Her mother was lying on the ground, partially inside the circle. She opened her eyes, which seemed like quite a lot of effort, stared at the child for a moment and closed them again - forever. Luna sometimes wished there had been some last words to remember, but the woman had been too weak to speak. There was only that look in her eyes and the snow on the ground.

XXX

Herbology was the only class Luna shared with Neville, but not with Marie. Apart from that the couple had become practically inseparable. As they fed a carnivorous plant together, Luna wondered why the elf had chosen him of all the people. Neville was _nice_, that was true, but surely that wasn't what Marie Suzanne O'Doome looked for in a boy? He seemed so… ordinary. In fact, it was strange how quickly he had gone from being the man who had lead Dumbledore's Army to victory back to being the shy, clumsy boy who had forgotten his remembrall once. There were all sorts of rumours, more of them now than there had been at the start of term, but…

And then it hit her. Neville Longbottom was a story waiting to happen. And they _liked_ stories.

XXX

Who was he, really? He never talked about it much. Marie had thought she could find out the truth (There had to be a truth somewhere, she was sure of that. One that most people didn't know.) if she just got to know him well enough. When he wasn't around, Marie tried other ways to figure it out. She read, she listened, she even tried to pay attention in History lessons. And then (she was quite proud of coming up with this trick) she spread her own rumours just to see which ones people would believe…

This was not what she had come here for. Her main intention had always been learning to think like a witch and she wasn't going to give up on that one. But sooner or later it was all about the fun, wasn't it?

She turned a page. There was something! Not quite proof, but good enough for someone willing to believe.

XXX

'Come off it, Luna,' Neville said 'You _know_ she's not like that!' Luna knew that she was, but she also knew she had to be a little more subtle about it. 'She likes me for… well… me. There isn't really much else to like _or_ not like about me.'

'There are more rumours about you than about _Harry_, Neville!' Luna hissed, leaning over to him, careful not to get bitten by the plant.

'So?' said Neville, who had decided that the best way to deal with rumours was to ignore them completely.

'I don't know,' Luna whispered 'Maybe she thinks you're the heir of Gryffindor or something?'

Neville shrugged and the plant snapped at him, missing his hand by about half an inch.

'Why would that matter anyway?' he asked 'It wouldn't make me any better than anyone else,' he said 'We've fought a war over it, Luna. And we _won_.'

This was a strange answer, Luna thought. It was technically correct, but things didn't really have to _matter_ to make a good story. It also pretended to be a 'no', but it _wasn't_. Luna considered pointing it out, but decided against it.

'_Her_ kind like stories, though,' she just said, hoping it sounded enough like a warning.

XXX

'It's gettin' worse,' Hagrid said 'I found this the other night.'

Luna wasn't quite sure what 'this' was. When she realised what the Gamekeeper and Headmistress were talking about, she had hidden behind a statue. Unfortunately, not being seen meant she couldn't see them either.

'You think _they_ killed it?' McGonagall sounded worried.

'Prob'ly. No animal could've done it.'

_They?_ So there were more?

'Are you sure?' the Headmistress asked.

'Animals ain't that _cruel_.'

'So it's true what - '

But Luna wasn't listening any more. She had to _do_ something about it.

XXX

'Oh, and by the way, Neville,' Marie said. They were sitting alone by the lake on a beautiful Saturday afternoon. 'Not that it really matters to me, but… I've been meaning to ask you…'

'Yes?'

'Is it true what people are saying about you?'

Neville laughed a little nervously.

'Which part?' he asked. They were saying many things. Ever since last year there had been more and more rumours every day. By now the concentration of unconfirmed rumours in the Hogwarts castle was nearly reaching the point where people mostly say 'You know what they say'.

'I don't know,' Marie said 'Which part _is_ true?'

'Does it matter?'

XXX

There they were. Maybe she could still save him and maybe if she saved him she could save everyone. Luna took a deep breath and tightened her grip on the handle of the frying pan.

'Leave him alone, O'Doome!' she shouted.

The elf turned around.

'Jealous, Lovegood?' she asked.

But Luna was good at ignoring people who mocked her.

'I've got a frying pan,' she said 'and I'm not afraid to use it.'

'What're you doing, Luna?' Neville asked in shock.

'Saving you,' Luna replied, raising her weapon.

Marie smirked.

'And you really think it's going to be that easy?' she said.

Luna turned around. More elves were emerging from the Forest.


	6. Chapter 5

_It took me a little longer to update than I expected, but here it is. And the next update will probably be quicker. _

_And I just decided to give the chapters actual titles._

_II(:_

**Chapter five, in which Ass is Kicked**

Luna spun around, wand in one hand, frying pan in the other. There were so many of them. She blocked a stone-tipped arrow with the pan and cast a Stunner at the nearest elf. Nothing happened. Marie laughed.

'Magic, Lovegood?' she said, sounding amused 'Magic won't stop us. We _are_ magic!'

Luna turned towards her again and hit her hard with the frying pan. The elf shrieked in pain. There were too many others, though. As she slipped her wand back into her pocket, Luna realised there was something in there. _A coin?_

XXX

Compared to the chaos by the lake the Gryffindor Common Room seemed like a completely different world. In the armchairs by the fireplace Harry was discussing Quidditch tactics with Ginny. At the table in the corner Hermione was patiently explaining the Transfiguration homework to Ron. It was just another quiet afternoon.

Suddenly Harry felt something in his pocket grow suddenly warm.

'What happened?' Ginny asked, looking concerned.

Harry reached into his pocket and produced what looked like a large gold coin.

'It's the DA Galleon!' he said, surprised. He had almost forgotten about the coin now that the war was over and Dumbledore's Army no longer really existed, and only carried it with him out of habit. He had not expected this.

'Ron! Hermione! Come here, will you?'

His friends looked up from Hermione's notes. Ron stood up with enthusiasm and ran over to Harry. Hermione took a moment to collect the papers before following him. Harry handed her the coin.

'It's not supposed to do this, is it?'

The girl examined the Galleon carefully for a moment.

'It looks like someone's calling us,' she finally declared.

'Who would be doing it now?' Ron said sceptically 'And why?'

'I'm not sure,' Hermione said urgently 'but they need us _right now_.'

Harry quickly got to his feet and turned around to see his girlfriend doing the same.

'Stay here, Ginny,' he said 'I don't want you to get hurt.'

'If you're going,' the girl said fiercely 'I'm coming with you.'

XXX

So they were coming. As if her job wasn't difficult enough as it was. How had Dumbledore managed it all anyway? McGonagall decided to have a meeting with her staff this evening. She had to increase security. Forbid the students to leave the castle, warn the teachers and… do _something_ about it. And keep an eye on O'Doome in case Lovegood was right. All that without telling everyone what exactly was going on. If she told them the _elves_ were coming… Some people could be such _fools_ when it came to elves. Maybe they should be told, but this was _not_ the right moment. McGonagall looked out of the window. Sometimes it helped her think. Not this time, though. The Headmistress stood up so quickly her chair fell over with a clatter and rushed over to the window.

'Is something wrong, Minerva?' asked the portrait of Albus Dumbledore.

She ignored him. There were people out there! And _elves_!

XXX

It looked like a battle. There were lots of… people around, armed with bows and strange knives. There was something not quite human about them, Harry thought. And there were Luna and Marie in the middle of the strange crowd, fighting, apparently. A frying pan was involved somehow, although from the distance Harry couldn't quite make out how. Neville was standing behind a tree on the edge of the battlefield, watching the battle and looking as confused as Harry felt. They ran to him.

'What's going on?' Harry asked.

'We need to save Luna,' Neville said 'I think. Or Marie. I don't know any more.'

'Is that why you called us?' Hermione asked.

'I didn't.'

'Luna did, then,' Ron said.

He raised his wand, but Neville grabbed his arm.

'Magic won't stop them.'

XXX

The battle went on. Someone had ran back to the castle to bring something that could actually be used against the elves. McGonagall and Hagrid had showed up, armed with an old sword, probably borrowed from one of the suits of armour in the hall and a sword-sized kitchen knife respectively. A few elves had been killed. One had fallen into the lake and possibly been eaten by the Giant Squid, and Neville had managed to introduce another one to the Whomping Willow.

Things weren't looking so good for Harry, though. He was surrounded, disarmed and bleeding from many wounds.

'What are you going to do now, boy?' an elf taunted him 'Bleed on us?'

Harry considered the possibility. He could vaguely remember someone telling him that blood contained iron. It was stupid. But so was letting them kill him without a fight. Desperately, Harry threw himself at the nearest elf. It was a bad move. Sure, it hurt the elf, but it also added to Harry's injuries. 'That's it. I'm dead,' thought the Boy Who Lived. And then he heard beautiful music coming from above. It took him a moment to realise that it was not made by angels coming to pick him up. A moment later a large bird with red and gold feathers landed next to him. He felt his wounds healing… Phoenix tears… Fawkes…

XXX

Somewhere else, deeper in the forest Neville had just been disarmed. This was the worst possible moment. He, Luna and, quite unexpectedly, McGonagall were trying to lure Marie and as many other elves as they could back to the circle stone circle. McGonagall was still fighting Marie and Luna was becoming scarily good at wielding the frying pan, but the plan still couldn't work without Neville…

And then _things started to happen_…

For a moment humans and elves alike listened to the beautiful Phoenix song. Then something fell out of the sky and landed at Neville's feet. The boy picked it up before an elf could lay his hands on it. It was the Sorting Hat!

Neville reached into the Hat. There it was. Again. There were going to be more rumours, weren't there? This didn't even _prove_ anything, but try telling this to people who want to believe in you.

He pulled out the sword. Well, it was iron at least. And then he looked up at Marie. She seemed to look a little different now…

She was still beautiful. But it was the beauty of an ice sculpture. Cold, emotionless beauty you could admire, but not love. Even so, he couldn't do it, could he?

XXX

He wouldn't do it, would he? People might have believed in him, but he still wasn't sure if he believed in himself… And besides, he was a teenage boy. Her charms worked best on them. Convince them you're beautiful and suddenly they think they're in love.

The flat side of the sword collided with her face. It drew no blood, but the iron burned…

Marie clutched her cheek and staggered backwards. A little too late did she realise that she had fallen inside the circle. She was falling back into her world. Outside, or possibly somewhere else entirely, the old witch was casting some sort of spell on the stones as the young one gathered more and more iron around them. And the boy with the sword was probably going to be even less merciful towards others of her kind…


	7. Epilogue

_Well, I guess that's it._

_II(:_

**Epilogue**

'You are, aren't you?' Luna said to Neville as they walked out of the forest afterwards.

'What?'

'Oh, you know,' she lowered her voice 'I thought you didn't want me to talk about it?'

'Then don't,' Neville said simply.

'Other people will, though.'

'I only pulled an ancient sword out of a _hat_, Luna. Any wizard can pull things out of a _hat_!'

'I know,' she said 'but it doesn't stop the rumours.'

Neville considered this. And then he had an idea. It wasn't a nice thing to do, but it was the only way.

'Oh, all right,' he said 'Go on and talk about it. But do me a favour.'

'Yes?'

'Add a Crumple-Horned Snorcack to the story. Or maybe a Blibbering Humdinger…'

Maybe if enough people didn't believe Luna, the rumours would _stay_ rumours.

XXX

McGonagall had to admit, if only to herself, that she wasn't quite sure how magic circles worked. She had heard one way of opening one was to dance around it naked on a full moon night. She didn't really know how to seal one. Maybe she had already done it. She spent the night (which luckily _wasn't_ a full moon) standing in that clearing perfectly still and fully dressed. Just to be sure.

XXX

The next morning Neville was rather brutally woken up by Ron Weasley.

'I thought we didn't have classes today?' he muttered sleepily.

'There's a goblin at the door,' Ron said 'He says he wants to talk to you.'

'Oh, all right,' Neville said.

He got up and walked over to the door, trying to look as friendly as it's possible for someone who has just been dragged out of bed on a Sunday morning.

'Good morning, Mr Griphook,' he said to the angry-looking creature outside 'What - ?'

'You have taken something that is not yours,' Griphook said 'I have come to retrieve it.'

'Oh. The sword?' said Neville 'Of course.'

He walked back to his bed and picked up the sword from under it.

'Wizards…' the goblin muttered angrily. The word was followed by a few words Neville did not understand. They sounded like curses, but then again most words in the goblins' language do (Some people who don't speak the language, but know a few goblins suspect it is because they _are_. In fact, goblins have many very creative ways of insulting people _without_ having to resort to swearing.).

'I just borrowed it,' Neville said apologetically 'It was an emergency.'

'It wasn't supposed to be possible any more,' said Griphook reproachfully 'Spells have been cast to prevent it.'

'I'm very sorry,' Neville replied, handing the weapon to the goblin and backing away slowly 'It won't happen again, I promise.'

XXX

Marie Suzanne O'Doome was _expelled_. It was a very good word, McGonagall thought. After that everything went back to normal at last. Winky told McGonagall that Luna Lovegood had returned the frying pan to the kitchens. It was safe now. She didn't need it.

Harry Potter started to seem a little bored, now that there was no need for heroes any more. He really _did_ have a saving people thing, as someone had put it… Ah, well, McGonagall thought, he'll find himself a nice dangerous job and get on with his life. And he did. McGonagall congratulated him when he finally became an Auror and watched, mildly amused, as he moved up in their ranks at an impressive speed.

Neville Longbottom returned to Hogwarts a few years later, to replace Professor Sprout when she retired. He soon became the Head of Gryffindor House and won the Most Liked Teacher Award for 48 years in a row (He just had that effect on people. Nobody knew why, although, since it seemed to be _that_ sort of story, McGonagall suspected). When the Headmistress died, he was offered the position of Headmaster, but (since she was not there to force him), politely refused.

XXX

And this is somewhere else. A woman who looks a lot like Marie Suzanne O'Doome walks slowly through the snow. She is not cold. She never is. She is disappointed, though. She is still wearing her pointy black hat. Somewhere else, maybe, a sudden gust of wind would have blown it off her head (Because this is what should happen. But then, reality rarely cares about what _should_ be.), but this is _her_ world and she thinks that maybe she has the right to wear it here.


End file.
